Monday, 21 September 2015

earlier on, during physics asp, the science dept head came in and talked to us because we had very bad results for the prelims. it got me thinking what have i been striving for... why am i still regretting. i know i shouldn't regret, but i really can't help to. i fought hard for olevels, just in order to be able to get in the course i wanted in the poly..... yes, i succeeded, but i went to a jc instead. this stupid choice of not following what my heart really wants got me regretting for two fucking years of my entire life. i dont see the point in choosing this path, i dont see the point in regretting, but i still did. the dept head got me thinking, what is my life after alevels, because i am sure to fail, hence everything looks very blur at the moment. the life i am living now is merely 过一天就算一天·, i dont have any motivation, i just live my life by going with the flow, i have no dreams, no goals, nothing. even if i were to head out to the society to work, i dont have anything that could back me up. i know i shouldn't be crying over spilled milk and i still did. my breakdowns were less frequent because i have apparently gave up fighting for what i wanted. i look happier now because i cant seem too care about my studies anymore. during o's, i kept in my mind that i am fighting for the chance to get into a poly, i fought for getting and maintaining a nice result slip. i ended up in disappointment and in despair. i cant remember what i should fight for in jc. a place in the uni? impossible. then? anything else? i cant think of anything. ive really changed over the span of two years. i used to like what i do. i used to enjoy writing my ss and history essays. why? because i get good grades when i write them. i feel achieved when i write the essays, no doubt they are tiring and i am super lazy. at least i didnt spend majority of my time distracted when i am supposed to study. i wasn't like this then. 

i did badly for prelims and mostly likely for a's. i dont see myself going anywhere. i am now confused, and at loss. because i cannot see what my future is like, and how am i going to live it. it sucks to know that. back then, after the o's prelims, i was confident that i can get a decent grade to get into the course i wanted. things do change, i hoped for a change. however, a hope will forever remain as a hope unless you fight for it. because i didnt. i remembered myself telling my parents i wanted to apply for dpa. my dad's reply was "for what? you apply also no use since you going jc" it broke my heart then because i really really wanted to go ahead and apply. my dad was so sure that he wanted me to get into a jc. so i lost in the end, without fighting for what i wanted, because i didn't voice out my thoughts, crashing my hopes, crashing my vision for my own future. i am not blaming my dad, but myself. why didn't i fight for what i wanted? why didn't i voice out? its my life, being stuck with something you don't like is torturous. you would suffer everyday because there isn't anything to look forward to. you count days to your next holiday. you won't feel like waking up for school. you wish you didn't make the choice. you practically lost everything in your life. you start to look for an exit in life, to run away from everything, be it dramas or fangirl. i question why am i living like this everyday. i gave up studying. i give up something called "my future" because i don't have one now. 

dad asked me a few days ago "how was your prelims?" i didn't dare to say i did badly. i never once did badly for majority of my subjects. in the past, my subjects are just borderline passes/fails, or in secondary school, they are usually of relatively good results. how can i tell him that his daughter whom he puts hope in failed he prelims really badly? i answered with a "just like that". he asked further "that bad?" and all i could do is answer with a nod. 

note: i shall end it here. i couldn't control my feelings as i was writing this post and cried while typing/ ran away to the bathroom to cry out loud because it brings back all the regrets and the tears i have been holding on which i have always wanted to cry but couldn't. thank god no one was at home and my brother was sleeping. some parts might be repeated or incoherent. i can't really be bothered.