Monday, 21 September 2015

earlier on, during physics asp, the science dept head came in and talked to us because we had very bad results for the prelims. it got me thinking what have i been striving for... why am i still regretting. i know i shouldn't regret, but i really can't help to. i fought hard for olevels, just in order to be able to get in the course i wanted in the poly..... yes, i succeeded, but i went to a jc instead. this stupid choice of not following what my heart really wants got me regretting for two fucking years of my entire life. i dont see the point in choosing this path, i dont see the point in regretting, but i still did. the dept head got me thinking, what is my life after alevels, because i am sure to fail, hence everything looks very blur at the moment. the life i am living now is merely 过一天就算一天·, i dont have any motivation, i just live my life by going with the flow, i have no dreams, no goals, nothing. even if i were to head out to the society to work, i dont have anything that could back me up. i know i shouldn't be crying over spilled milk and i still did. my breakdowns were less frequent because i have apparently gave up fighting for what i wanted. i look happier now because i cant seem too care about my studies anymore. during o's, i kept in my mind that i am fighting for the chance to get into a poly, i fought for getting and maintaining a nice result slip. i ended up in disappointment and in despair. i cant remember what i should fight for in jc. a place in the uni? impossible. then? anything else? i cant think of anything. ive really changed over the span of two years. i used to like what i do. i used to enjoy writing my ss and history essays. why? because i get good grades when i write them. i feel achieved when i write the essays, no doubt they are tiring and i am super lazy. at least i didnt spend majority of my time distracted when i am supposed to study. i wasn't like this then. 

i did badly for prelims and mostly likely for a's. i dont see myself going anywhere. i am now confused, and at loss. because i cannot see what my future is like, and how am i going to live it. it sucks to know that. back then, after the o's prelims, i was confident that i can get a decent grade to get into the course i wanted. things do change, i hoped for a change. however, a hope will forever remain as a hope unless you fight for it. because i didnt. i remembered myself telling my parents i wanted to apply for dpa. my dad's reply was "for what? you apply also no use since you going jc" it broke my heart then because i really really wanted to go ahead and apply. my dad was so sure that he wanted me to get into a jc. so i lost in the end, without fighting for what i wanted, because i didn't voice out my thoughts, crashing my hopes, crashing my vision for my own future. i am not blaming my dad, but myself. why didn't i fight for what i wanted? why didn't i voice out? its my life, being stuck with something you don't like is torturous. you would suffer everyday because there isn't anything to look forward to. you count days to your next holiday. you won't feel like waking up for school. you wish you didn't make the choice. you practically lost everything in your life. you start to look for an exit in life, to run away from everything, be it dramas or fangirl. i question why am i living like this everyday. i gave up studying. i give up something called "my future" because i don't have one now. 

dad asked me a few days ago "how was your prelims?" i didn't dare to say i did badly. i never once did badly for majority of my subjects. in the past, my subjects are just borderline passes/fails, or in secondary school, they are usually of relatively good results. how can i tell him that his daughter whom he puts hope in failed he prelims really badly? i answered with a "just like that". he asked further "that bad?" and all i could do is answer with a nod. 

note: i shall end it here. i couldn't control my feelings as i was writing this post and cried while typing/ ran away to the bathroom to cry out loud because it brings back all the regrets and the tears i have been holding on which i have always wanted to cry but couldn't. thank god no one was at home and my brother was sleeping. some parts might be repeated or incoherent. i can't really be bothered. 

Sunday, 30 August 2015

while i was on my way home today after a family gathering, i just let my thoughts wander.... and being a female, is somewhat more tiring than a male should one start a family and have kids. given the modern times now, where in a family, both parents would be working like mine. and then i ponder, it is usually the mother of the child who would be up awake, taking care of the needs of the child, like for example, the night feeding or the usual things like changing of nappies and coaxing the child to sleep. it usually isn't the father of the child doing all of these stuffs. he would either be gaming or busy with work related stuffs, such actions would lead to distrust in allowing him to take care of the kid alone. like for example, my niece who was pretty much cranky towards her bedtime, so my auntie sent her back to her home with the help of my dad, because my cousin is busy at work today and my cousin-in-law is on the way back home. they figured that they would meet at the young parents home. my dad and auntie didn't return back to my other cousin's house which is our family gathering area for the day until an hour at least later. all because my auntie had to allow her grand-daughter to fall asleep before heading back to us. but after she came back, my cousin-in-law told us that she woke up just probably after my auntie and dad left the house. and then, I THINK my cousin had to leave her office earlier to rush home so that she could help her husband to put their baby to bed. with all the news you see about babies and kids being neglected when they are at the care of the fathers and plus knowing the behavior of the person causes distrust in the person's ability. it might somewhat be true, but really, i should really think and feel that both parents should have the ability to take care (and i mean by changing nappies, feeding, putting the child to bed etc) the baby/child and not just depend on the female species of the family (mother, grandmother etc). it would be really tiring for them. imagine going home after a long day at work, and you still have another long night to go because you need to coax your child and feed him/her at night. and at these times, the father is most likely asleep and finding the child a nuisance.
 all of these are all my assumptions and my thoughts during the car ride, because times might have changed and all that, fathers have more responsibility in taking care of the child, plus they are gonna have an extra week of paternity leave in addition to the one-week one that was already given. and plus, some families might have extra help and all, and i have no right to talk about all of these. anyways, i don't even get my reason for this post, but most probably it is to just express how i feel at this point of time and since i think it is abit inappropriate to post this on dayre.
ugh okay that's all for the rant. imma post my recent favourite fanfics from my new favourite author up. it's kryber, but it's really sweet at the end, which is why i love this story to bits. Echoes by nataliedecoco

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Hi. I know it has been ages since this place is updated, but I will be doing a post today... here we go.... 
Hello the future me! You just turned 18 4 days ago as you are writting this letter. As you are 18, you have never shed tears for guys and bgr, but tons for the name of kinship and a little for the name of friendship. But currently, most of your tears goes to the regret you feel, the stress you feel, to the unknown possibilities, and to the blur future that you are seeing now. 
You are 18, however you have regretted the mistakes that you did on the year you turned 17. You made the mistake for not fighting for what you wanted. You made the mistake for continuing what you have always been struggling to make it a success. You were already drowning at that point of time, but you still struggled on in the waters, as you didn't give up to the lifeboat next to you. And today, as you read this, you might still be regretting all of these or maybe, regretting for not working hard enough in your last year to make a change to your life. Or maybe, you are thankful for your choice that you once regretted and feel that it is a blessing in disguise for not pursuing what was your interest at that point of time. The 18-year-old you is still at a state of confusion. She is at the brink of giving up everything and feel that everything is a waste of her time. 
However, things like a new update to the current favourite story in asianfanfics, a new update to your favourite korean drama in english subs, a new comeback for your favourite korean girlgroup, or maybe seeing your baby niece, and having fun with your friends and family cheers you up and are the daily vitamins that you need. Things might change when you are older. You no longer is a fangirl, you no longer are addicted to the thing called fan fiction. You no longer chase after kdramas so tiringly. But remember, you were once the girl that is so simple. 
The 18-year-old you puts a lot of trust in friendship and treats friends like no other and cherishes every family moments, laughing with her mom at every other nonsensical things and doing stupid things for her just to see her laugh/smile. Please remember all of these and continue what you have been doing in the past because this is what you enjoy and you live for. 
As the 18-year-old you is typing this letter, it is currently 10 minutes to 3 am and you have a paper in the morning at 8 am. This shows how much she has given up. She has changed over the span of 2 years, but not her definition of success no matter what people say.  
So please, in future, if you see somebody struggling as much as you did in the past, please do not hesitate to lend a helping hand, and support your kid to do whatever he/she wants regardless the voices from others that he/she hears. All because you know how hard it was not doing things that you dislike and how hard it was regretting over the decisions that you have made. 
The 18-year-old you. 

Idol pictures are credited to their respective owners.